Gentlemen,

This month I’d like to talk with you about the importance of providing feedback to your sons (and daughters) so that they develop into godly men and women. The flip side is also true where we as godly men must be ready to receive feedback from our wives, employers, and children.

From my very first performance appraisal as a young engineer in a major corporation, I was told that I should treasure the feedback I was receiving. At the time I really didn’t think so as my employer talked with me about the things I did well and particularly the areas where I was weaker. Looking back I realize how much faster I could have developed and how much more quickly I could have made corrections to my character, if I had taken my boss’ feedback to heart.

First, what is feedback? A dictionary provides the following.

feedback (noun) The return of a portion of the output of a process or system to the input, especially when used to maintain performance or to control.

That’s a good start. Now look at what the Scriptures say about looking back and considering:

Proverbs 6:6 – Go to the ant, thou sluggard; consider her ways, and be wise.

Proverbs 24:32 – Then I saw, and considered it well: I looked upon it, and received instruction.

Proverbs 1:8 – My son, hear the instruction of thy father, and forsake not the law of thy mother.

Feedback, then, is the process of helping a person understand how his words, actions, or attitudes are impacting others and ultimately himself. Feedback is given with the express purpose of providing instruction and consideration to his ways so that he may become wise and understanding. With this definition and heart attitude as a starting point, you can see that feedback really is a treasure and something to be valued highly!

Before going any further, let me talk about the difference between rebuke and feedback. Rebuke is what is required when there is sin in a believer’s life which needs to be confessed, forgiven, and forsaken. In the Farr household if the action of any of our children, or parents, was direct disobedience or sin, we dealt with it immediately and forcefully. Feedback, on the other hand, has as its base, the giving of counsel and instruction with the result being a change in behavior or attitude for the purpose of gaining wisdom and discernment. Yes, after sin is dealt with, then comes the opportunity for feedback, or “training in godliness” as 2 Timothy 3:16 says.

Next, let’s determine the process to give feedback to a young person. The first place to start is with an honest assessment of the situation or issue. Call the attitude or the action what it is and look at the impact of the attitude or action on other people or the situation in general. Help your son, or daughter, realize the second and third order effects of their conduct. After you are in agreement on the “facts of the case,” then you can proceed to examine the desired end state. What did he really want to accomplish with his words? What impact did he want to have by his actions? With the facts and end point known, proceed to help your young person consider alternative courses of action that lead to their desired end point. Consider alternate behaviors and actions, to get him to the desired end point, playing them out to see the impact on others and themselves. In this way a young person learns to think backward. By this I mean, start with the desired end result and trace the steps of action and attitude back to the starting point. In the Farr family, we call this “playing the movie.”

Lastly, let’s consider where and how to give feedback. Usually in the heat of battle is the worst time and place! When I have something important to say to one of my sons, I collect data that shows a consistent pattern of action; say three occurrences where the same action or attitude resulted in the same result. After having the data I consider the best time and place in the near future to discuss it with him, alone. Sometimes it is over an ice cream outside the home; I love Dairy Queen’s Blizzards®! I share with him what I have observed from my data and ask him to search his heart on the topic. We “play the movie” out to the end so that he can benefit from God’s wisdom that comes with my gray hair. We consider alternate actions. We decide on a path forward, which may also include asking forgiveness of those he has offended. In the end there is understanding and a clear course of action. If there is deep emotion, it is usually gratitude and love.

The discussion above has been a bit theoretical, so let me give you an example from the Farr household. Recently the subject of male clothing came up as my sons returned home from university. Their standards had relaxed a bit with their hectic schedules, and we had noticed this on our visits to the campus. It was time to give some feedback on what their clothing choices were saying about them and where they were going. In giving feedback I like to put the negative out there, deal with it, and then move on to the positive. Others like to do the praise sandwich method of praise, feedback, praise. As my sons and I talked, we discussed the principle of “dressing for where you want to go and not for where you are.” Their clothing was saying, “I want to be a college student all my life, rather than a young professional architect or veterinarian.” Our discussion ended with the three of us evaluating each other’s clothes closet, making a list of the “holes” in our wardrobe, and taking a shopping trip to the Haggar Outlet Store in Dallas. At the same time my daughter and wife saw what we were doing and got into the act of updating their wardrobes as well! What could have been a volatile situation ended up being a heart-winning and heart-keeping exercise for the whole family.

One other thing about feedback is that we dads need it as well. Sometimes it will come from our wives or coworkers, and most certainly should come from our children. Be sure to ask yours about the ways you can improve as a father. Ask the questions, then be quiet, and write down what your children say, without comment from you. Some questions I ask my family are:

  • Have I done anything to offend you for which I need to ask forgiveness?
  • Am I providing clear direction and leadership to our family?
  • Do you feel I am listening to the concerns of your heart?
  • In what areas am I leading our family well?
  • In what areas am I falling short?
  • What suggestions do you have that would help me improve?
  • How can I best support you and make you successful?
  • How can I pray for you?

Their feedback will be eye-opening, especially if you have not asked them in a while.

As leader of the ALERT Cadet program, I view getting feedback as vitally important to the success of the ministry. I seek it on two levels. First, I desire to know how the program is doing. Are we meeting our goals? Is God using ALERT Cadet to change people’s lives? Secondarily, I need to hear how I am doing as a leader. The last week of January, the ALERT Cadet leadership team, 11 people in total, spent a significant amount of time together, laying out the plans for 2009 and beyond; I will tell you more about that in another e-mail. While there together, I asked the seven Cadet Captains to evaluate me and give me feedback. They shared many positive things with me, and these were good to hear. They also shared some things I could work on and improve in. This feedback was hard to hear at times, but I knew they had my best interests at heart. They want me to be successful in life with my own family and in leading the ALERT Cadet program. I will be working on my action plan to address their items and then sharing with them the changes I plan to make. ALERT Cadet father, if you have a specific piece of feedback you would like to share with me, please send me an e-mail at rfarr@alertacademy.com. I desire to continue in my growth as a father, husband, and leader.

One final observation about feedback is that you never outgrow the need for it. Whether you are a 22 year-old engineer, or a 52 year-old leader of an international ministry, feedback is a necessary part of life and growth in godliness. May I challenge you to ask for and receive with a grateful heart the feedback that someone may share with you? If you do, I think that you will learn, as I finally have, that feedback really is a treasure!

In Christ,

Roger D. Farr

ALERT Cadet Commanding Officer