Parenting Adult Sons - Monthly Message from the ALERT Cadet Major - July 2008

Gentlemen,
My sons are now 22 and 20. When they were 12 and 10, we started with the ALERT Cadet program as my way of beginning to win and keep their teen-age/questioning hearts. ALERT Cadets helped me to build the bridges then that I need now, as they have matured. I’m now learning what it means to continue to keep their hearts as they prepare to be “shot out” from our quiver. I’d like to share with you some of the principles I am using to make sure my arrows hit their intended mark as my sons prepare to leave home.
First, I do large-scale meaningful activities together to create shared experiences. As my young men become larger in physical stature, so must the activities we do together also grow to create that shared experience that will draw us together through the years. The experience of building a birdhouse together with my 10 year-old no longer suffices. I must now work together with my 20 year-old to build a case to display his military saber from his college ROTC days. The day-long hike and campout in our backyard are now replaced by eight days of hiking the Appalachian Trail together with my two sons carrying everything we needed on our backs. Does this mean that Dad must put out more energy and effort? Of course it does, and it means that I must continually stay connected with what is of interest to my young men.
Second, I continue to extend their five-year “life purpose plans.” When my sons first turned 15 it was time to pull out the booklet that helped us to develop a five-year plan for their lives. By doing this, we began to “unlock” our young men and see how God had wired them emotionally, spiritually, and mentally. We also then had a clue as to their life calling with which to guide them in making decisions regarding further training after high school. When our sons each turned 20, it was time to revisit their plans and make any mid-course corrections, as well as to now include such topics as leaving our home, graduate school, careers, and marriage. Doing this revisit of the plan helped both sons and parents look objectively at what was ahead and then make plans to accomplish the goals, together. This is exactly the bonding process I wanted to continue as we discussed the normal things of adult life such as cars, clothes washers, and 401K plans.
Third, I execute this five-year plan with them. What do I mean by this? In short, after I work together to put the plan in order with each son, there are a myriad of details to actually make it work. If college or graduate school is in the plan, then I go with my son to visit potential schools. If moving to another living situation is required, then I help him pick out a suitable apartment, furniture, and household items. If he will be joining the military, I meet the representatives, read the contract, and attend his commissioning ceremony. If he is working, I try to go to his job site and meet the people with whom he will be working so that I can identify with people and situations when interacting with my son over the phone or e-mail. In summary, I stay connected with my young men as they continue to mature so that we can go through the decisions of life together. This helps prevent costly mistakes and ensures that everyone is on the same page in utilizing family resources to send the next arrow out.
In my case, Peter, my 22 year-old, is finishing up his undergraduate education, preparing for graduate school, and beginning the process for licensure in architecture. Brian, my 20 year-old, has finished his undergraduate education and is now headed to veterinary school and the Army Veterinary Corps as a Second Lieutenant. I am still working hard every day to maintain their hearts. As I write this I have just completed a 15-day, 200-mile hike at 6,000-10,000 feet elevation with one son around Lake Tahoe in California. It really is hard work sometimes to keep their hearts, but I love it!
Gentlemen, don’t give up on the development of your children once they reach 18 and complete high school and the ALERT Cadet program. Continue to be involved in their lives so that they complete, successfully, the missions for which God placed them on this earth. They are to impact the next generation for Christ, as you and I fade from the scene. I constantly remember the words of Acts 13:36 regarding King David, “For David, after he had served his own generation by the will of God, fell on sleep, and was laid unto his fathers…” When I have accomplished the purposes of God in my generation, I will be gathered home and my sons will be left to carry on after me. May they be fully prepared and do it well!

Your fellow servant,

Roger D. Farr

ALERT Cadet Commanding Officer